i had a baby —
i kept forgetting to completely nurse him
he would latch and suckle, but because i was distracted, i would never fully feed him, and he was malnourished, but this sweet baby never cried / nor complained
he was happy and content with what i gave him, smiling always at me
but then
i lost/misplaced him somewhere
they/all assumed he had been taken/abducted
but i felt sure i had just misplaced him /
it seemed we looked everywhere in and around our home
and the second time searching the house,
i found him in the refrigerator on the top shelf
in the back
his white skin and pastel clothing blending in with the milk and pale juice jugs
he was there on that shelf all along

i had apparently placed him in there with the milk — perhaps so he could eat/

he had died in there
from asphyxiation
it was an accident,
and i understood that
i was unwell, forgetful, incompetent and losing my mind [although in my dream i don’t know the exact concepts of postpartum or postpartum psychosis]

everyone else does not understand that it was absolutely an innocent act, a tragic accident
they are disgusted with me, violently angry with me and
want me to be punished, arrested, sentenced to prison or maybe put to death
for accidentally forgetting my baby, for misplacing and inadvertently killing my baby — in the refrigerator

[during my dream, i remember that in some places, it is understood that a mother and her baby are so very vulnerable in the first year of her child’s life and she is not held responsible for infanticide during that time]

i understand the outcome and i am sad that i killed my baby, but i know the truth — it wasn’t intentional and i loved my baby so much and am so quietly and profoundly devastated that my baby is dead because my brain failed me

i feel no empathy from them — my family or friends
i am utterly alone in my situation and with my guilt and loss

i begin holding, cradling his lifeless little body before the authorities arrive/
wishing he could nurse just once more, so i could finally fully feed and nourish him like a good mother would, like the good mother that i am

i try to resuscitate him by gently blowing my own breath on his sweet face
i begin chanting and incanting with him in my arms
and then he takes his second, first breath
and comes back to life

he latches onto my left breast and begins nursing.