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an experimental poem derived

in automatic writing beyond the midnight

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work steals away the days
and i miss my laziness.

i do not miss my ignorance.
i do miss my trust – my rarest treasure –
i used it all up: a life-time supply gone —

just like that!

my realism’s been distilled into a cynicism; a bitterness no syrup in the spoon can mitigate; i swallow it down.

i have a trust investment advisor now.
they tell me who to invest in, with and for:

no one?

i do miss my strong body
and his;
how it can all go to shit in an instant
how it does all go to shit in an instant:
liar. cheater. embezzler. addict. gambler.
drunk driver, ladder, mass shooter, assault, tick, cancer.

a penny for my thoughts?

— can you afford that?

my thoughts, a penny each — i am feeling generous, and extend you a discount.

so you want to be rich?

or, you want me to be poor?

i will deposit my thoughts in you,
i will spend my thoughts on you,

and you, we, love,
will be so full, so wealthy.
you, we, will never go hungry /or thirsty/
or be too cold, ever
or too hot – except intentionally

i, we, will go for broke, but not break
or, rather, let’s not break at the same time, honey;
i can go first.
no, you.

eat and drink my thoughts, and i yours.

but my pleasure is in your dessert.

i am a mouthful – a mouth-full.

so, how soft do you want me to be?
how hard do you want [me] to be?
this experiment — of non-economic love
might’ve lasted until my last breath
or yours.
my last thought — or yours.

i am someone’s non-economic growth.

am i someone’s constant source?

not — constant resource, because there’s a difference, a distinction.

beside/s myself,

am i enough —- even for me?

i ask of me, myself, beyond the midnight / which is the best time for asking true questions and receiving true answers.

they’re on the other side of the veil/ the otherside of the veil. knowing me.

and, i let myself be known to all knowers.

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hey, don’t hurt, anymore, ok? try that.

make a habit of it.

it doesn’t hurt anymore.
except here.
and here.

and everywhere i am touched. everywhere i touch. everywhere i am untouched. everywhere that’s untouched then touched and then untouched, again

be careful what you touch, who you touch.

of what touches you.

of who touches you.

i miss my laziness.

oh, all this fucking work to just live. all goddamn every day.