i watched Aftersun,

making my way thru films, on lists, i’ve apparently missed

when it ended,
it was 12:34 am
as i glanced at the clock on the stove;
and went outside
to sit on the dark stoop and cry
and then, said aloud,

“i am not okay”,

and i may never be, again;

i saw, i am more like my father,

than my mother,

than i knew, than i ever thought,

and that, is stunning, in itself ///

that he, was more the human being, of the two, than her.

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i say, i am more my Self,

than either of them. and, that’s true.

i stood, took a few steps into the pitch darkness
and felt a
mist on my face, bare arms and legs

gentle,
soft,
tender,
reminding me

that i am, all of that

too.

and the night here,
was so quiet,
so perfectly asleep.

and then i heard it,

and i listened to it:

a churning, a roaring, a wildness,
from less than a half mile away, that somehow i had forgotten;

as the crow, the gull, the eagle, flies

as the deer walks

that i had somehow forgotten.

the sound of the third coast, of this unique, inland, salt-less ocean, misnomered as the Great Lakes;

it was the first time that i heard its strong, solitary voice
from my house; or,

the first time that i gave, not paid, my attention.

now, i cannot unhear the song

there is an ocean in me,

too.

and seashells beneath my bed pillow.

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