Wolf Lake

for

+Willie Mack Riche+


a prologue included for father’s day:

the man who bought my kindergarten clothes when i was four years old and paid my Lutheran school monthly tuition for eight years; the man who had the rusty 1972 VW Bug, gifted to me by my boyfriend for high school graduation restored over the summer before my freshman year of college; the man who adored both my son aka “monster” and “bam-bam”, and my first dog, Digby aka “hound”; the man who endured both the devastating loss of custody of and subsequent parental abduction of — and then, the tragic death of his only biological child, a son.

the man who never got the chance to properly retire and healthfully and happily collect his 30-year, hard-earned Teamster’s union pension — and just go fishing all day because he became acutely ill with undiagnosed kidney failure, and spent the last years of his life on thrice-weekly, hours-long dialysis treatment — and his last six months on Earth dying from a rare, aggressive and metastatic cancer.

may his spirit know peace eternally.


Willie Mack
gingerly cradling his namesake Mack
on the first full day of the baby’s life,
and who we brought home on
Father’s Day, 1994


“This used to be my playground.”


and, our proxy for church on spring, summer and fall sabbaths.


These were the halcyon days.


Load up the International Harvester TravelAll with wooden doors and quarter panels – it has two gas tanks, you know.
Bought it used, but pristine
on payments – from the showroom on Logan Boulevard and Elston Avenue with zero credit history and all the usury


Have mercy.


Follow me, and I will make you fishers of fish.


He will bait your hook on the bamboo pole he bought you.
Later, you will insist on the “Pocket Fisherman” – as seen on TV.

Continue reading “Wolf Lake”

thaw

i add my most intentional breaths to the land, to the atmosphere,
for the birch sapling, for a man i knew,
both, bent over
frozen
in a forced deference
mimicking reverence
it won’t, can’t, hold
[it never does]

with every exhalation
my pink lungs
conjure warm winds
from red blood cells
incanting
under my tender palate
over my dormant tongue,
though my worn enamel
beyond my hermit lips:

Continue reading “thaw”

‘this’

we were not that singular, after all
in spite of all evidence and words
to the contrary

we began and ended

like everyone, everything, anything else

sure.

but

‘this’, i know

we never grew boring
we never stopped loving
we never stopped wanting

then

still

you vanished

so

what does ‘this’ all mean now

what does anything mean now

what can anything mean now

what is the meaning of meaning now

this, i do not know

explanation

she was never really glad to be here

here, as in, born,

here,

or at all, anywhere

not really, no

still,

she paced herself
bided, abided the days which turned into decades
in the city

she moved out of the city

she moved out to the country

she paced her herself
bided, abided the days which turned into months and years
in the country

one more/
one more/
one more/
one more/
one more/
one more/
one more/

Continue reading “explanation”

transubstantiation

in my winter cocoon
enveloped in sheets and blankets
my eyes closed all day

these damned windows,
seams of daylight break
through fiber,
try and force their way through slits and lashes,
i resist
pink lids, i won’t study and map
your capillary streams / birds, please don’t sing / i refuse to perceive anything but my own inlands

i don’t feed
i don’t drink
i don’t think
i don’t move
i don’t feel

i only let

let
let
let

i am not dying though
i am working from the inside
autonomic, appearing halcyon
while transforming
all memoir of you – from idealization into unbiased slurry, and,
into something, new
into something, else
of me

worth

i measure my worth

in deer so at ease they’ll eat kale from the garden, less than five meters from my door

by a home-cooked meal eaten together, still hot

in heritage Jimson weed blooms on summer nights

& harvested, unblemished squash on autumn afternoons

in bats sighted overhead at dusk from the stoop

in thriving houseplants, all named and watered

in clean sinks, sheets, floors and birdbaths

by pages read, no matter

by the number of rabbits who see me and then ignore my presence

in folks, walking exhausted, or in rain, who accept my offer, climb into my truck with their groceries or booze for a lift home

in miles walked with the dog, and in my stilled patience as he interprets the “news” thoroughly with his nose

in native prairie plants restored, by my hand, New England asters, sweetgrass, have mercy,

in minutes spent on the phone with my son,
my golden boy

Continue reading “worth”