this poem was inspired by and derived from a dream that occurred during the morning of March 2, 2023

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some of us are there
to say our goodbyes/
and after all these years apart, i’m still jealous,
i always wanted to be your nearest, dearest, to be your favorite,
it’s still true.

you weigh all of 80 pounds — less, maybe/
how much do the bones of an adult human female weigh?

your hair’s gone
your long, beautiful, gleaming fountain of chestnut hair, your crowning glory
all tender scalp with patchy fuzz, now //
all the vanity’s gone from you, honey,
and you have never been more beautiful

what happened?
lungs, lungs, lungs,
you cough and vomit, several times
as if to prove it /// [to me]
i thought the treatment was working, hindsight out of sight, 2021

i weep, then full-on cry /

“no, please don’t, there isn’t time,” you say

i cry anyway, selfishly, about not-knowing about how bad, how fast, about always finding out fucking last
i cry about your broken body, breaking over and over since we were twelve,
about the wasted years in estrangement,
how fucking dumb, it was
but also, not dumb at all, if i think about it too much/

we made our choices, me and you.
i love you, always have, and always will,
i didn’t choose that.

you don’t want to leave him, he’s still young,
you don’t choose that.

you are naked, uninhibited
ah, now, i get it
you’re back in your birthday suit.

and we’re all waiting on your dead mother to arrive to your going-away party,

because,
she is the only one coming to say,

“hello”