this poem was inspired by and derived from a dream that occurred during the morning of March 2, 2023

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some of us are there
to say our goodbyes/
after all these years apart, i’m still jealous,
i always wanted to be your nearest, dearest, to be your favorite,
it’s still true

you weigh all of 80 pounds, less, maybe
how much do the bones of an adult human female weigh

your hair’s gone
your long, beautiful gleaming fountain of chestnut hair, your crowning glory
all tender scalp with patchy fuzz, now
all the vanity’s gone from you
and you’ve never been more beautiful

what happened
lungs, lungs, lungs
you cough and vomit, several times
as if to prove it
i thought the treatment was working, hindsight, out of sight, 2021

i cry / “no please don’t, there isn’t time” /
i cry anyway, selfishly, about not-knowing how bad, how fast, about always finding out last
i cry about your broken body, breaking since we were twelve,
about the wasted years in estrangement,
so fucking dumb
and not dumb at all, if i think about it too much/

we made our choices, me and you
i love you, always have, always will,
i didn’t choose that

you don’t want to leave him, he’s still young,
you don’t choose that

you are naked, uninhibited
ah, i get it
you’re back in your birthday suit

we are all waiting on your dead mother to arrive to your going-away party
she’s the only one coming to say hello