waiting for the bough to break

i am waiting for the bough to break — or, to be severed by proxy at my behest.

earlier this week on my daily walk-about, i noticed that a primary limb, the major artery, on a nearly 80’ tall and likely nearing 100 years-old, elm tree on the land i occupy, had cleaved and that the fracture was migrating down into the trunk — and dangerously so.

i don’t know the cause: if it was the abrupt shift in temperature to freezing here in southwest Michigan — or, if the tree was stressed from a standing-water-wet spring followed by a very dry summer, or if “it” is simply at the end of their life — all the elms here had unusually held onto an abundance of their prolific leaves until the fourth week of November.

no matter.

the matters:

the massive limb of the elm stretches high and precariously over the old barn, and depending on the wind direction, there’s a chance if it falls, it could clip the back of my house or take the whole tree down with it.

i await the tree surgery & removal crew. i am at their and the northerly and westerly gusts’ mercy.

in the meantime, i have also been wrestling with the possible choice of whether to have the crew amputate just the cleaved limbs — if the tree is in fact salvageable — or, to remove the entire tree at once instead of forestalling the inevitable.

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institutional knowledge

another part of mourning, an enduring part of mourning:

the loss of the “institutional knowledge” of you that they alone held, documented and archived;

when

a life-long, childhood or early adulthood friend

a beloved mother, or grandmother, or father,

a harmonious sibling, a close cousin

a long-time lover,

a partner in a long marriage, officiated — or not

a child whom you birthed or raised and who may have also birthed or raised you, have mercy.

when, those relationships become one-sided through death — or other endings,

not only are they gone,

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the deception of the Sun

the Sun just keeps on shining
setting and rising,
setting and rising
while
the People
of Palestine,
of Congo,
are genocided

the deception of the “life-bringer” Sun on yet another day of genocides

did you know that Yaldaboath only feigned dismay
when Cain blew his own brother away;
then He later told Abraham to kill his own son,
just to prove that he was obsessed enough

you know, that dear Jesus
in heaven comfortably stayed
all throughout the Trans-Atlantic slave trade,

and that Allah had no problems with the Caliphates
and The One True God was all about The Crusades

and that Creator ignored the prayers and the pleas
of First Peoples slaughtered by steel,
starvation, and European disease

and that Yahweh was pre-occupied during the Holocaust
busy planning and inciting the Palestinians’ cruel loss

from Auschwitz to Al-Shifa,
He so craves burnt offerings
His global portfolio — built solely on dead things

He created the Sun to grow His tainted Seeds
Horror by daylight,
His Grand Design? — what a fucking death scheme

Auden once begged to “dismantle the Sun”
for the loss of his own be-loved one

but Hark!

for the loss of our collective soul,
dismantlement’s just not good enough,
leave Him no parts, no plans
to re-build and restart!

Extinguish His goddamn Sun!

and forever, and evermore,

Let there only be Dark!

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the mourning cloak

near invisible,

imagine silk organza, chameleoned

peach-pink colored, when i Am naked,

the color of water as i bathe.

sky blue, golden, sherbet, grayed or midnight black,

when i Am outside

ever-shifting with the time of day and weather,

once, even green,

as i knelt down in the cold grass

while diaphanous to all the unobservant

i Am dressed in this cloak of mourning

and the hem is lined with lead

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the first 24 hours of loss

the first night, the long night
the first sleep
sobbing or wailing into oblivion
eyes forced shut by swollen lids
eventually the mammalian body
succumbs to the exhaustion
from the metabolic expenditure of emotional agony and adrenaline

the next morning
the first sweet seconds of confusion of time and place
as the tender light or familiar sounds of daybreak
breach the senses
a suspension of forgetting
the devastation of yesterday

those must be the most ephemeral moments
in human consciousness

then a stirring
a shifting in bed
to adjust position
breaks the magic of sleep

the anvil of non-specific grief returns to the chest
the coils of hopelessness entwine the limbs

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