stop praying for what you want

the birds’ choir
is a mockery outside my window, eight different species on the sill — eight — for gods’ sake!

these days when the
Sun’s arc is long
and the soil is warming for the season and permanently

i am in my bed with lead bones
annoyed that i woke up again, and guilty with ungratefulness about it

my steady lament is sung out loud — but still unheard
i counted my mistakes like sheep, to sleep again
they didn’t wander away though
they stay close to their shepherd, always

they say Death comes in threes and that’s true
but it still hasn’t chosen me
instead, conscripting two complacent men, known to me, thirty-six, fifty three, in one week’s time — why???
while i’m out here volunteering for the cause
it cruelly searches elsewhere to complete their trio

of course i’m still fucking here
the gods won’t give you what you pray for

courage, love, fidelity, life, death

they’re full of motherfuckery
they know exactly what i — and what you, want most — of all

so they sent these birds here to taunt me

so they keep me here to taunt you

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